We tend to think of calm, peaceful Zen, hippie types as the healthiest and happiest people in the world. After all, that three times divorced, douche bag getting red in the face as he screams insults to the cashier at the 7-11 will for sure be dead of a heart attack before he's 50, right? Maybe not according to some new studies, however the fuck they did those. But, being an asshole may keep you alive longer they are saying. That explains why maybe I'm still here. The down side to this, is that there are more assholes around that I have to deal with also.The behaviors that get us tagged as assholes is still debatable I think. But being one may just make us healthier. I always thought if I could go to a time where the asshole population was weeded out somehow that I may be happier. I think the best time reference I have for that would be back in the days of the cowboys. Back then, if you were an asshole I figured you didn't live very long, because you would get shot, right? So maybe there was a natural selection in play there. But the downside was if you were good with a gun, you be as big an asshole as you wanted to be and still reproduce more assholes that were good with guns. So, I could never logic it out that far in head, to make a design if indeed that was a good time to live. So, anyway..I'm still here since I haven't found that time machine to check it out.
I think they we can almost all agree that the reason we have such a thing as swearing in the human language is because it's a fucking great thing. But why do we do it when we get hurt? Your walking and hit your knee on the trailer ball on your truck and when you yelled "Mother fucking, god damn, cocksucker...that hurts" it just to help out with the pain a little bit more. Go figure that out. Why doesn't, "oh, its a wonderful day and I wish that hadn't had happened, does anybody have any flowers I can have" work as well. I don't know the answer. Maybe they need a study for that also.
I will tell you this from experience though and kinda sums it up for me and explains why I may live longer. Each time I'm in the hospital I never take my pain and keep it to myself. I can, but I choose not to. I do it for the attention so I don't die without somebody watching me. I demand more of hospital staff an doctors and I take control of the situation and I get more attention. While they may want me to die, the whole time I'm threatening them that if I do, my wife will sue the fucking shit out them. It usually gets me more morphine and sedatives which is usually all I want anyway.
So to sum it, I used to think being an asshole was going to kill me, but now I'm kinda thinking being an asshole pays off. If I had a choice. Which I don't.
Note: I found this cool guide on how to be really good asshole. Its below;
I will tell you this from experience though and kinda sums it up for me and explains why I may live longer. Each time I'm in the hospital I never take my pain and keep it to myself. I can, but I choose not to. I do it for the attention so I don't die without somebody watching me. I demand more of hospital staff an doctors and I take control of the situation and I get more attention. While they may want me to die, the whole time I'm threatening them that if I do, my wife will sue the fucking shit out them. It usually gets me more morphine and sedatives which is usually all I want anyway.
So to sum it, I used to think being an asshole was going to kill me, but now I'm kinda thinking being an asshole pays off. If I had a choice. Which I don't.
Note: I found this cool guide on how to be really good asshole. Its below;
How can I become an asshole in five easy steps?
Introduction
Have you ever thought that deep down you really were not a nice person? If no, this guide probably is not for you. If yes, congratulations, you're well on your way to becoming an Asshole! If you follow these easy steps, you will be able to ensure that people think of you as an asshole, and not as a mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.
Step One: Have Impossibly Refined Sensibilities
This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and probably the most difficult. It requires an amount of study because you will need to know your field. Faking is not an option; a fake will be held up as an object of scorn and as a pretentious moron, which is clearly not your objective. I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food or music. While General Assholery is spectacularly impressive, it requires nearly a lifetime of study to properly attain. Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.
Step Two: Use Really Big Words
This is a much simpler step in your ascendance to Divine Asshole. All you'll need for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary. Take some common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of "beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish" say puerile. Make certain that you are properly using your new obscure words; loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly.
Step Three: Choose Something To Hate
It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost universally loved. Don't hate the French if you're English. Don't hate the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or you may be mistaken for a wit instead of an asshole. Whatever you do decide to hate, make sure you know enough about it to hate it properly, I'd suggest hating something in your field of expertise. If you're a Food Asshole, hate Italian Cuisine, if you're a Music Asshole, try hating Mozart or The Beatles. Make sure that whatever you do hate, is common enough to come up in casual conversation; if you're an Art Asshole, don't hate Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to lesser-known impressionists.
No matter what the topic of conversation is about, make sure you play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, tell them all about your evil ex, who was way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If you don't have an ex, make one up. If someone manages to mention something remotely related to your field of expertise, monopolize the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back to the thing you chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.
Step Five: You Are Always Right, Be Secure In This
This is the culmination of your training as an asshole. Once you have mastered the first four steps, you are ready for this. When someone decides to argue with you about the merits of the thing you hate in step 3, intellectually bludgeon them using the words you learned in step two. This should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in your area of expertise from step one. Resort to ad hominem attacks deriding your opponent's intelligence. Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent; you are an asshole afterall, not a bitch. If you manage to win the argument either by logic and reason or by your opponent leaving in disgust; be an ungracious winner and taunt your fallen foe.
Conclusion
If you carefully adhere to the above steps, you will be a Supreme Asshole in no time. While you may not have many friends, you can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser; they not only lack friends, they lack style.
Have you ever thought that deep down you really were not a nice person? If no, this guide probably is not for you. If yes, congratulations, you're well on your way to becoming an Asshole! If you follow these easy steps, you will be able to ensure that people think of you as an asshole, and not as a mere jerk, putz, loser or boor.
Step One: Have Impossibly Refined Sensibilities
This is the most essential step to becoming an asshole, and probably the most difficult. It requires an amount of study because you will need to know your field. Faking is not an option; a fake will be held up as an object of scorn and as a pretentious moron, which is clearly not your objective. I'd suggest specializing in a particular area, like food or music. While General Assholery is spectacularly impressive, it requires nearly a lifetime of study to properly attain. Knowing your field means knowing it utterly; if you intend on being a Food Asshole, you'll not need to be able to instantly tell the difference between a good Chateau Lafaurie-Peyraguey and an indifferent Puligny-Montrachet, you'll need to be able to expound to your host or hostess on why the former would have been a much better choice to serve with dessert.
Step Two: Use Really Big Words
This is a much simpler step in your ascendance to Divine Asshole. All you'll need for this is a thesaurus and a dictionary. Take some common place words and replace them with obscure ones, instead of "beauty" say "pulchritude", instead of "childish" say puerile. Make certain that you are properly using your new obscure words; loudly correct anyone who uses them improperly.
Step Three: Choose Something To Hate
It doesn't matter what, as long as it is something almost universally loved. Don't hate the French if you're English. Don't hate the Backstreet Boys or N'Sync, or you may be mistaken for a wit instead of an asshole. Whatever you do decide to hate, make sure you know enough about it to hate it properly, I'd suggest hating something in your field of expertise. If you're a Food Asshole, hate Italian Cuisine, if you're a Music Asshole, try hating Mozart or The Beatles. Make sure that whatever you do hate, is common enough to come up in casual conversation; if you're an Art Asshole, don't hate Gustave Caillebotte, as it's hard to bring conversation repeatedly around to lesser-known impressionists.
No matter what the topic of conversation is about, make sure you play a starring role in it. If someone is complaining about their hateful and psychotic ex-boyfriend, tell them all about your evil ex, who was way more evil and psychotic then theirs. If you don't have an ex, make one up. If someone manages to mention something remotely related to your field of expertise, monopolize the conversation. If possible, turn the conversation back to the thing you chose to hate in Step Three and complain loudly about it.
Step Five: You Are Always Right, Be Secure In This
This is the culmination of your training as an asshole. Once you have mastered the first four steps, you are ready for this. When someone decides to argue with you about the merits of the thing you hate in step 3, intellectually bludgeon them using the words you learned in step two. This should not be especially difficult if the hated item is one in your area of expertise from step one. Resort to ad hominem attacks deriding your opponent's intelligence. Don't be overly concerned about being clever, witty or eloquent; you are an asshole afterall, not a bitch. If you manage to win the argument either by logic and reason or by your opponent leaving in disgust; be an ungracious winner and taunt your fallen foe.
Conclusion
If you carefully adhere to the above steps, you will be a Supreme Asshole in no time. While you may not have many friends, you can be secure in the knowledge that being an asshole is always better than being a jerk or a loser; they not only lack friends, they lack style.
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